Day 4: March 2, 2012

Some of the greatest memories of my life are those I made sitting in my great aunt Dora's kitchen. Every little girl should have someone like Dora, and I learned many things at her table. I learned that the best biscuits are small and not too thick and taste the best with extra sharp cheddar cheese melted inside until it bubbles. I learned that picking up an Eggo waffle with bare hands will burn and cause one to jump around the kitchen howling like a banshee. I learned the fine art of gossip and the importance of laughter. She is probably the reason I tend to lean a little to the left in my politics, and she is also the reason I grew up loving Princess Diana. She was an amazing woman, and I miss her every single day. However, I wish she had not passed on her fear of thunderstorms on to me because right now I am a nervous wreck.

I spent a great deal of time in Dora's house, and I would watch her anxiety level slowly rise as the clouds would roll in and the skies would darken. She typically watched the news on channel 11 and as the red radar rolled closer and closer to Covington she began to plan. The winds would pick up, and she would get jittery. There were times she would eventually get the pillows, and we would sit in the hall and wait for the danger to pass.

I remember riding the school bus to her house and watching the skies darkening and praying to make it home before the storm. If it was set to get very bad, she would be waiting in her big cream car for me to get home. I would jump in, and we would take off across I20 to her sister Ruth's house. I was always grateful that her planning would have included fixing me an afterschool hot dog covered in spicy brown mustard, ketchup, and some crunchy, tangy onions. She alwasy managed to wrap it in foil in such a way that all the toppings stayed on and didn't smear off onto the foil. I would devour the hot dog on the short ride as she told me what to expect from the storm. It was alwasy going to be catastrophic, and I alwasy started to get jittery and terrified. Luckily, we were always safe, and our precautions were not necessary.

While I am grateful we were always safe, all of this storm fear has made me an astraphobic. Well, I'm not that bad, but I just wondered if there was a name for that particular phobia. This is the name given to those who are afraid of thunder and lightning. But I digress, the point is that all of her fear transferred and made me terrified of thunderstorms. I suppose if I am really being fair I will admit that some of the nervousness is simply my personality. I have always been easily frightened and prone to anxiety. I used to wander around my house after mama and daddy had gone to bed to make sure all the doors were locked. This is not normal behavior for a six year old, and I was not surprised when I began having panic attacks in my twenties. It was bound to happen. My anxiety antenna begins to hum and chatter when the sky begins to darken and the rader gets red. In this case, I do what I was trained to do, and I begin to prepare.

Most of the planning takes place in my head. When watching the weather, I will think about my plans days out. If Tony happens to be out of town, I plan on staying with my in laws. If Tony is in town, I insist that everyone sleeps downstairs. He just nods and agrees. He is amazingly calm in all situations, and he tends to dismiss my storm hysterics. I, however, continue to plan. Where will we go to protect myself? Is there access to channel 11 or AM 750? If it is nighttime, can I stay awake until the danger has passed? These are just a few of the thoughts that race around in my head, and this has been the case tonight.

Tony and Bryce are currently snoozing in our bed, and Samantha is crashed out in her glider. I have been making plans. As the red moved across the state, I felt the anxiety pressing down. I straightened up the house as the red began to move across the state and as it approached Barrow County I knew the time was here. I went back to the bedroom and told Tony I was going to get out blankets and pillows and a radio for the tiny half bath that is our safe place. I placed a lantern the bathroom and checked the batteries in the radio. Once my preparations were complete my anxiety began to ease a bit. It felt good to know I was doing something productive, and I began to feel more comfortable. 11 Alive has decided to go back to regular programming now, so I think that means it will be okay for a little bit. I still won't sleep for a long time because someone needs to be on guard duty. While I sit and watch the weather, I can't help but think of Dora. I am thankful for all she taught me, but I sure was she hadn't taught me some lessons quite so well. My job tonight is to protect my babies, and I will sit right her and do it just like she did for me all those years ago.